With Gratitude

Originally written November 29, 2019

Every thing that’s ever been has led me to this moment.

I feel this vibration in my body. Part nerves, part breaking-out. I see words in a book that have been in my head and my heart doesn’t know what to do with itself. It craves to be voiced, too.

That’s what I am doing here today. I listened to the call to keep writing, to keep learning and recording my truths. I found some outlets that allowed me to do that, but I knew it was time to make something my own. I love the communities I’ve found on Instagram, but sometimes–often–my thoughts are bigger than the box. I needed more.

Lately, and today in particular, I’ve had this feeling that has bordered between a fear that maybe I’m too gullible and a deep belief that the circumstances arriving to me are aligned with my desire to break out of my own mold. I choose to believe the latter. I choose to see that what’s coming to me is a result of what I am seeking. I choose to allow myself to be new. 

I am capitalizing on the spirit I feel inside. As much as I want to feel it at all times, I am accepting that my egoic, human mind will not always allow it. Like a human, I get caught up in my own thoughts. I stall, I spiral, I forget the access I have. 

I sit here today because I feel that access. I’ve regained its power, my power. I’ve remembered that no matter what is happening around me and inside of my head, the access still exists. Today, I choose to call on it.

It’s been telling me that I am ready for me. Sometimes, I have to balance this with my growing self-compassion when it rebuts, “But I thought you were good enough as is. Why are you hustling for your worth?” It’s true I do feel that at times and I try to check myself when it feels like a hustle or a reach.

Again, today, I am going to go with the latter.  It’s not a hustle, it’s a reach. I am reaching. I am extending. I am growing out of who I was to become who I need to be now. I’m not pleased with everything that has happened in my past but I know that it’s brought me to where I am today; where I am right now.

Yesterday, I walked out of a grocery store in Canada with thoughts of American Thanksgiving on my mind and for the first time in a long time I thought: I am thankful for the place I am at in my life.

I meant it.

An ease washed over me. Many parts of my life and identity have been in transition and I have been triggered by all of the uncertainty and newness. In that parking lot, in that moment of deep gratitude, of deep acceptance and love and appreciation for all things me, I grew a little more into myself.

I’ll be back. 

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A gush
A rush
A complete pouring out
Of love of gratitude
Of all that can be if we let it
Heartlight, tonight
Send forth your brilliant might
Let me be
Let me see
All the wonder we can build
Together and a part of me.